What I never knew I always wanted…

I’m stealing a Carrie Underwood line from one of her songs on her latest album with the title of my blog, but the first time I heard the song I found it so relatable that I broke down in tears. With Mothers Day coming up this week I thought I would share my story about being a Mom.

Some girls grow up knowing they absolutely want to be a Mom one day. They play with dolls, babysit kids, and obsess over details about what their future children will be like. I was never one of those girls. I can count on one hand the amount of times I babysat as a teenager, didn’t play “mommy” to dolls, and never thought about having my own children. Of course when I was dating Justin we talked about it and I said I wanted to have kids one day…but it was more in passing “sure I want kids, one day”…because I think that’s what everyone says.

Quite honestly though the thought of having a kid really freaked me out. I’m an only child, I never took care of any babies, and as selfish as it may sound I just didn’t know if I could share my life with kids.

Luckily it never came down to me having a choice. Two months after I got married I got pregnant. We were not trying and to this day I will still say I wouldn’t have it any other way- I’m so glad that it happened on accident. If I would have waited until the “right” time I don’t know if I would have ever had a “right” time. Justin had just started his MBA program when I got pregnant, I was also in school full-time and working full-time. I wanted to be at least 30 when I had my first child, but I was 26(almost 27) by the time I had him and we were still newlyweds. It wasn’t at all ideal for us at the time but the moment I held Chandler for the first time my life was forever changed. I fell in love with every single piece of him. I know that’s how it is suppose to be- but I really doubted this when I was pregnant. How could you love something so much? Not many of our friends had kids at the time but other Moms had told me it was nothing like you can even imagine and they were so right!38961_425980485744_2585960_n.jpg

I never knew I wanted to be a Mom. How I would obsess over every little detail with him so much that it would keep me up at night. I’m a controlling person, I will admit that, and with Chandler I wanted to control every detail possible. I would lay on the floor and try to figure out why he wasn’t rolling yet, what the mechanics of rolling over were and how I could show a 4 month old to roll over. I was like this with every single milestone with Chandler, as many Moms are with their first child. He made me so proud and still does in every single thing he does. He became the love of my life on July 21st, 2010, his actual due date. He is a lover and a sweet soul. He is extremely smart and constantly surprises me with conversations we have. Even this morning when I kissed him on the head I could smell his scent and my heart honestly skipped a beat because he is still my baby even though he isn’t a baby anymore. He made me a Mom and gave me a gift that I never knew I wanted.

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I could have just had Chandler, my heart was so full I thought…but I knew I wanted Chandler to have a sibling. Especially being an only child, I wanted someone for Chandler. It was different the second time around, we did plan it out, we talked about it for years and decided when a “good” time would be. No matter what though I thought I could never ever love someone like I loved Chandler. I listened to what people would say, that love is multiplied not divided, but that seemed impossible.

My labor and delivery for Hudson was quick. I pushed for 5 minutes- two pushes and he was out. He actually came out so fast that he couldn’t breath and they had to take him to the Nicu to monitor him, plus he was on the small side and a couple weeks early. I instanly thought of everything I could have done wrong when I was pregnant- maybe I worked out too much, didn’t eat enough for him, didn’t worry as much or fuss about my pregnancy like I had with Chandler. All of that didn’t matter though when they let me hold him for the first time. He was mine- he made me a Mom again- and I fell in love with his tiny features and perfect round face. At the hospital I felt such at peace being with him and only him. I enjoyed my alone time with Hudson and took every little bit of him in.

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I was older, was already a Mom, and enjoyed being a Mom of a newborn so much more with Hudson. I didn’t obsess over every detail, I just loved to be with him and watch him grow. I never knew I wanted to have two kids, two boys at that, but Hudson has made me more of a Mother than I ever was with just Chandler. He is so very opposite of his brother. He challenges me, he is fearless, and he is a rough and tough playful boy. Hudson has the funniest little personality, he loves to dance, and when he does decide to give me love he does it in such a way that it takes my breathe away and makes me feel an overwhelming sense of happiness. 11222166_10153242271240745_2488358303822845689_n

When I talk to friends who don’t have kids yet and they say they are waiting for the “right” time, I always say there is never a right time. Something will always be going on in your life and you could wait forever waiting for the right time. I never knew how life changing these boys would be for me and how much love I could even have in my heart to give. I love being a Mom, even though some days are hard, frustrating, and exhausting. They are my world and my everything. I have a unique relationship with each of them and they have made me a Mom in different ways.

“Life has a way of showing you just what you need and who you were made to be”

– Carrie Underwood

Happy Mothers Day to all of you Mom’s out there! 💗

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